So, I’m stuck once again because I can’t use the word “coincidence” to explain what has happened. I can’t use it because it doesn’t exist. It’s a lie, it’s a delusion,

This is very complicated so I must go very slowly to get all the nuances and subtleties.

I have a long time friend, very close when we were young men, then at a distance for forty years. Now we are reconnecting. Since we live in different states it’s important that when we have the opportunity to visit, then we try to shift things around in order to make that happen.

Ha! We are both retired now, so what do we have to shift? It’s not like “I’ll have my people call his people!”

Earlier this month, when Clay called and said he was coming this week for a short visit, I panicked. Weirdly, I have been preparing our house to sell all this month, I moved out, packed all our possessions into storage, had contractors, and stagers prepare our house for sale. On the very day the house was listed Clay called and thought I might be able to squeeze a lunch.

I might have even tried, I would have failed, and it would have put even more stress on me, maybe even caused a stroke, who knows? But  I didn’t try, and when he called, I said no!

Mostly because I was pissed at him. I was mad because I had received a voice.google message from him when he called earlier and I didn’t answer.

Here is where it gets very weird. The message was like an accidental butt dialed phone call. It was most certainly Clay’s voice, he was talking to a woman. I knew he was planning to have dinner with his cousin just a few towns away, before coming to see me. It was strangely garbled except at the beginning, it went on for about four minutes with lots of pauses, sounds of eating, clinking of silverware, etc.

But the first few words were pretty clear, the recording started sometime after the sentence had begun.

“…diabetic, overweight, he hadn’t taken care of himself…”

Okay, I did gain weight, I am a diabetic, I had a heart attack, I also had prostate cancer. I would say that qualifies me to own the statement “hadn’t taken care of himself” But I .was still pissed about how he said it, and maybe even why he said it. It kinda felt like he was throwing me under the bus to his cousin, who I’ve never met.

Because I was pissed, I said I was too busy for lunch.

It could have ended there, and have it fester under a bandaid. I had sent the recording he made to him, but he either ignored it or didn’t think it was important. I didnt comment on it, I just titled the message with a bunch of question marks,

Several hours later I wrote a message. He had mentioned in the phone call that at least a had a “good excuse”, for not meeting for lunch.

After a few minutes I began to break things down. I wrote to him that I had said at the very beginning that it was a bad time. I didn’t have an excuse, I had a “reason”.  I was mad. Of course I didn’t tell him on the phone that I was also pissed. So, I wrote to him that I was pissed, and I wondered why he was saying those things about me, even if they were true.

He didn’t respond to the lengthy message. I purposefully used messages because I didn’t want it to become lost in email clutter.

For nine hours he was silent. I’m thinking all kinds of potential responses, angry, embarrassed to be caught, or just plain vacant. I was waiting for a phone call that was going to be intense.

Near midnight I checked the messages and Clay had responded.

1. He doesn’t remember even using the phone at the dinner with his cousin, let alone leaving me a message. Yes, did have a conversation with her about their parents

2. The description of “diabetic, overweight, didn’t take care of himself” was about his father. Clay was sad that his father had died at 68 without having communicated so much more.

3. He has no idea how this happened, apologized for the confusion, treasured our relationship, and was looking for many more years of enjoyment together.

So, what am I to do with this? What am I to learn? Clearly it’s a good thing not to fester, but that’s okay, it’s not really the point.

I have this feeling that it was a complicated trap, well planned, well thought out. Absolutely the right “bread crumbs” to create a specific event. Maybe it’s just a maze.

Is that delusional thinking?

If this was designed, was it for good or evil? Did I stop the action, or did I give it completion.