I Had a Sister

I had a sister once. Well—technically. I never knew her. She died five years before I was born. She was born on June 10. I was born on June 11. She died on June 7—three days shy of her eighth birthday.

Family in the Shadow of Loss

The death of a child, from any cause, is a family tragedy. You see it often in genealogical records: a move that follows a loss. Sometimes everything is sold, and the family starts over somewhere else— not because they’ve healed, but because they can’t bear to stay. In my family’s case, it was a move from North Dakota to California.

A search for safety. For hope.

But the memories came too. My mother carried guilt for nearly fifty years.

Scarlet Fever It started as a sore throat. It became hemorrhaging ulcers.

Scarlet Fever was often a killer then. If caught early, maybe—with a good doctor—there was a chance. Mostly not. My mother didn’t take Gayle to the doctor until it was too late. She always believed she should have acted sooner. She wasn’t wrong. But she also wasn’t to blame. At the time, penicillin existed. Military doctors had access. Civilian doctors did not. Had it been available, it would have stopped the infection cold. But that didn’t change anything. Not for my mother. She wasn’t able to protect her little girl.

A Birthday in Mourning

I didn’t know I had a sister for many years. I only noticed that my birthday seemed to make my mother… sad. Later, she told me: she had been terrified I’d be born on the anniversary of Gayle’s death. I arrived one day later. Not enough distance. Not really.

Remembering the Unmet

Over time, I came to accept my unknown sister. I wondered what kind of person she would have become. What kind of impact she would have had. What kind of family she might have made. All I had were a few photographs. Fewer than a dozen. She looked happy. Bright. Thoughtful. I know I would have liked her.

A Sketch in Absence

Once, I tried drawing her in color pencil. I thought maybe her hair was golden. Hard to tell from the black-and-white photos. But in my mind’s eye… it was. Golden. Always golden.